Motivation · Self Realization · Uncategorized

When Someone You Love Hurts You

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“When someone you love hurts you, you have a decision to make: you allow it to destroy you, you let it make you stronger or you take the opportunity… and walk away.”

Pain hurts. Betrayal hurts. Anger hurts. Frustration hurts. But nothing can compare to when this hurt comes from someone we love. I take the word love seriously. Love between two people in a relationship, love between family members, love friends have for one another… any kind of love. For me, all love comes back to the golden rule: You treat {love} people the way you want to be treated {loved}.

I think what makes the hurt, hurt even more is the expectation we place on the ones we love. “I know I love you and so I’m going treat you this way, speak this way to you, and respect you like this…” and we expect the same thing in return. This is where the shock value comes in. We’re not expecting the ones we love, treat well and respect to treat us any other way than how we treat them. So when the time comes and you see the feelings/actions/words aren’t reciprocated, we hurt.

There is a clear difference in hurt we receive from different people. If a co-worker does something hurtful to me, I’m going to take the appropriate, professional, steps to rectify the situation and move on. If someone I hardly know or an acquaintance wants to hurt me, there is little to no after-the-fact pain, or hurt, they’re simply just gone from my life. These two examples are black and white. When these people do us harm we can choose to simply cut them off or seek resolution with little backlash or thought. When someone you love hurts you, that’s a different story.

Does this destroy you, make you stronger or do you walk away? When you have love for someone, the answer to this question is never easy.

Walls crumble when the person you love hurts you. Trust is broken, confidence in what you had weakens and all that’s left are questions. Why? Will things get better? Will it happen again? Should I move on? The only way these questions are answered are in time.

So do yourself a favor, give yourself this time. Whether you have to step back, keep your mind busy or pick up a new hobby… Give yourself the time you need. No significant decision in your life should be made in a second, some decisions take time and you owe it to yourself to take the time you need.

The greatest love you can have, is the love you have for yourself. That being said, don’t forget to put yourself first sometimes. You deserve it.

Update
I received some feedback from a reader and want to address some specifics they said that wanted to hear more about. They wanted to know what exactly to do when a loved one hurt them, and then how I could relate or an example. Here’s what I have to say:

So what do you do when you someone you love hurts you? What are the immediate steps? What do you say? How do you address the situation? Do you address it?

Every situation is different. The degree to which you hurt can be different as well, depending on who it is that hurt you. The first thing that I try and do is STEP back. Many times, when we hurt, it comes out as anger; the worst thing you can do is act on these feelings. When we’re mad, we say and do things that usually aren’t at the core of how we feel. Our first natural instinct, even though it’s hard, should be to try and keep a cool head. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you can think clearly. Do not speak the first things you’re thinking! These are often words we wish we never said.

The next step, which is comparably as hard, is to take the time you need. “Time heals all,” as cliche as it sounds, I have found to be true. After taking the time you need, if the hurt is something repairable {which you need to decide}, then and only then, should you take the time to speak to the person who hurt you. Convey how and why their actions hurt you, and see if that person is open enough to truly hear your words. Their response to your openness is key to whether or not they are along for the journey to move beyond the hurt. Do not do all the work yourself. If someone cares about you, nothing should stop them from helping you cope with the hurt you’re feeling, that they caused.

It’s going to vary. If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife hurt you, can you get beyond it? Will your relationship last? It depends on the pain they put you through, and if you can trust it won’t happen again. If a family member hurt you, is it something repairable because they’re family? Or are some things just un-forgivable? No one knows these answers but you.

As for myself, I currently sit in the boat I’m discussing. What works for me, is writing it out, taking time for myself and figuring out if trust is something that can be built. I practice what a preach, and am taking the time I need to find some sort of resolution. I hope that if you’re going through something similar, you take all the time you need and put yourself first.

To the love in your life ♡

-Aurora Beani

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