Motivation · Self Realization · Uncategorized

When Someone You Love Hurts You

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“When someone you love hurts you, you have a decision to make: you allow it to destroy you, you let it make you stronger or you take the opportunity… and walk away.”

Pain hurts. Betrayal hurts. Anger hurts. Frustration hurts. But nothing can compare to when this hurt comes from someone we love. I take the word love seriously. Love between two people in a relationship, love between family members, love friends have for one another… any kind of love. For me, all love comes back to the golden rule: You treat {love} people the way you want to be treated {loved}.

I think what makes the hurt, hurt even more is the expectation we place on the ones we love. “I know I love you and so I’m going treat you this way, speak this way to you, and respect you like this…” and we expect the same thing in return. This is where the shock value comes in. We’re not expecting the ones we love, treat well and respect to treat us any other way than how we treat them. So when the time comes and you see the feelings/actions/words aren’t reciprocated, we hurt.

There is a clear difference in hurt we receive from different people. If a co-worker does something hurtful to me, I’m going to take the appropriate, professional, steps to rectify the situation and move on. If someone I hardly know or an acquaintance wants to hurt me, there is little to no after-the-fact pain, or hurt, they’re simply just gone from my life. These two examples are black and white. When these people do us harm we can choose to simply cut them off or seek resolution with little backlash or thought. When someone you love hurts you, that’s a different story.

Does this destroy you, make you stronger or do you walk away? When you have love for someone, the answer to this question is never easy.

Walls crumble when the person you love hurts you. Trust is broken, confidence in what you had weakens and all that’s left are questions. Why? Will things get better? Will it happen again? Should I move on? The only way these questions are answered are in time.

So do yourself a favor, give yourself this time. Whether you have to step back, keep your mind busy or pick up a new hobby… Give yourself the time you need. No significant decision in your life should be made in a second, some decisions take time and you owe it to yourself to take the time you need.

The greatest love you can have, is the love you have for yourself. That being said, don’t forget to put yourself first sometimes. You deserve it.

Update
I received some feedback from a reader and want to address some specifics they said that wanted to hear more about. They wanted to know what exactly to do when a loved one hurt them, and then how I could relate or an example. Here’s what I have to say:

So what do you do when you someone you love hurts you? What are the immediate steps? What do you say? How do you address the situation? Do you address it?

Every situation is different. The degree to which you hurt can be different as well, depending on who it is that hurt you. The first thing that I try and do is STEP back. Many times, when we hurt, it comes out as anger; the worst thing you can do is act on these feelings. When we’re mad, we say and do things that usually aren’t at the core of how we feel. Our first natural instinct, even though it’s hard, should be to try and keep a cool head. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you can think clearly. Do not speak the first things you’re thinking! These are often words we wish we never said.

The next step, which is comparably as hard, is to take the time you need. “Time heals all,” as cliche as it sounds, I have found to be true. After taking the time you need, if the hurt is something repairable {which you need to decide}, then and only then, should you take the time to speak to the person who hurt you. Convey how and why their actions hurt you, and see if that person is open enough to truly hear your words. Their response to your openness is key to whether or not they are along for the journey to move beyond the hurt. Do not do all the work yourself. If someone cares about you, nothing should stop them from helping you cope with the hurt you’re feeling, that they caused.

It’s going to vary. If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife hurt you, can you get beyond it? Will your relationship last? It depends on the pain they put you through, and if you can trust it won’t happen again. If a family member hurt you, is it something repairable because they’re family? Or are some things just un-forgivable? No one knows these answers but you.

As for myself, I currently sit in the boat I’m discussing. What works for me, is writing it out, taking time for myself and figuring out if trust is something that can be built. I practice what a preach, and am taking the time I need to find some sort of resolution. I hope that if you’re going through something similar, you take all the time you need and put yourself first.

To the love in your life ♡

-Aurora Beani

104 thoughts on “When Someone You Love Hurts You

  1. For a long time, I didn’t say the first things that came to mind when hurt, in case I regretted it. But that allowed people to walk all over me. In fact, sometimes saying the first things that came to mind, even if it was very harsh, was the right thing to do, because it was real emotion and allowed people to see that they had hurt me.

    Until I started immediately reacting with emotions, I was trapped in a lot of bad relationships and friendships, people who used me. And when the rule is to never say those things, that means they could be doing things like this to people over and over again, and no one is expressing how badly they are hurt and how angry they are. We don’t have to always handle hurtful people with kid gloves. In fact, it may make them feel like they are right more often than not. I’ve had a lot of people turn me away when I tried to gently but firmly discuss my feelings with them. They didn’t take it seriously.

    I was in a bad long term relationship where I kept gently addressing my feelings. The worst part is that he kept responding in a positive manner. He’d listen, nod, and say he understood. We’d gently work together, communicating and trying to move forward. But he was a truly hurtful person, and so he used my gentle methods to hide the fact that he was not going to change.

    When I finally stopped being so careful with HIS feelings, I one day reacted in a way where I just snapped at him and let him have it. I said all the things you really shouldn’t say to a person. In response, he lashed out back at me, and ‘punished’ me by… telling the truth. Telling me all the things he had been hiding and lying about while I was being gentle with him. Things he was ‘saving me from knowing’ because he said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I was shocked that he was hiding all these terrible things from me. And so long as I kept calm and approached him in a kind manner, he kept hiding them from me, as if he was somehow saving me.

    And so while I think the gentle and kind method does work for most people, I think the other thing is sometimes being calm can actually hurt you. Sometimes in order to get the truth from people, you need to put them directly in the spot light. To stop the run around they are giving you. Sometimes people KNOW you are going to the the calm, level headed, and fair person, and they use that to their advantage, going so far as to continue lying to you and saying they are going to make it better.

    The minute you show them that you aren’t willing to barter anymore is the minute they exit your life on their own free will, because the game is up for them.

    1. JC,

      Thank you so much for your comment and amazing perspective. I appreciate your openness and sharing of your personal situation. It sounds like you were extremely hurt and the person you loved finally reacted the way they should {having been honest} once you let him, have it. How strong of you to stand up for yourself and move on, not all women can do that, so I respect you so much for that.

      I appreciate your perspective, as everyone has different situations and battles they face daily. I am often the soft spoken one as well, trying not to get too wound up, in reaction to my wanting to keep a cool head. I have also in times done what you did, because I agree, sometimes people need to see that to see how hurt you are and the pain they caused.

      Being calm however, is not a weakness, and it’s admirable that you were able to do it for so long even though the person you were with was using it against you. To hurt someone who loves you is inexcusable and I believe these people will get it back ten fold.

      Thank you again for the comment. I wish you nothing but love and happiness as you continue to move forward toward people who know how great you are.

      Take care, xo Aurora

      1. Hi Kelle,

        It’s okay that you ask- I figure anything we put out here will only help others who may come across it too. He was not hiding anything about his sexuality, although I’d imagine that would be very difficult to deal with. ❤️

    2. i agree with you because it has happed to me so many times and i have been in this relationship for 10years.it started 3years after we started dating and by then we a small baby of 8months,and i realised it happens mostly to us women so ladies LETS STOP THIS!

    3. Well done you! It’s hard and unpleasant but being your own best friend and allowing yourself free reign to defend and protect yourself is very empowering and I think correct for most situations.

      How refreshing to read this.

  2. Since last 1 year i have been in love with a man. But he seldom talks to me and seems to be ignoring me. Whenever he is in front of me i cant resist myself from staring at him deeply, to which he never reciprocates. I could not express my emotions for him. May be he does not like me. I have tried several times to convince myself that i should not think of him, but in vain. I am failing to have control over my emotions and feeling depressed. I don’t know what to do. I never felt like this for anyone else. Since we are employed in the same company so i have to face him again and again. Please help me to get out of this. I could not share these feelings with anybody, not even with my closest friend. I am really sad.

    1. Hi Anyo, thank you for your message. Would you mind re-sending it? I unfortunately receive a lot of spam and want to make sure you are not a bot. Sorry for the trouble, but I appreciate the reach out. -Aurora

  3. Since last 1 year i have been in love with a man. But he seldom talks to me and seems to be ignoring me. Whenever he is in front of me i cant resist myself from staring at him deeply, to which he never reciprocates. I could not express my emotions for him. May be he does not like me. I have tried several times to convince myself that i should not think of him, but in vain. I am failing to have control over my emotions and feeling depressed. I don’t know what to do. I never felt like this for anyone else. Since we are employed in the same company so i have to face him again and again. Please help me to get out of this. I could not share these feelings with anybody, not even with my closest friend. I am really sad.

    1. Anyo, Remember Love and attraction between men and women is normal. It is not a crime that u have to fear. Fear means casting out Love from u. Like Robing ur Joy, hope, passion, u may feel so much sacrficial, sometime fatigue, loss in appetite, thinking, imagining. All kind of stuff. So i suggest u, if u love him then always believe in Love. If u see him dont belive that it will hurt u, but belive loving him will change ur life, more near to Love that should be in ur mind.
      But i tell u frist recive Love from God, because God is Love. His love cast out fear and from life.

    2. I had that. Some men are very good at this game. Its the classic treat em mean, keep em keen – it can be very subtle and unnoticeable.

      You will need to be able to walk away. But not yet as you aren’t ready. Just watch and learn. Notice what he’s doing – paying you attention and then blanking you. Its called “crazy making behaviour”. They don’t realise they’re doing it as they think its normal. His dad was probably the same. Notice him and how you react to his behaviours. Then plan to get out and never come back. This is a dangerous and toxic situation and wrong for you.

  4. I hurt the person I love that person asked me why u are ignore me but I don’t want to be with that person it very difficult to me I can’t back for that person but I adore that person I always I cry when I remember that person am starting to miss that person well I didn’t see that person along time.

  5. Thank you. I wish there was a manual for us to refer to as we grow. When ever I feel down I need inspirational massages which will help me understand that its not my fault that I feel hurt once again by people whom I love. I wish there was a love bible which everyone uses.

    1. Loving someone is something that can not be defined at all. You keep on loving someone and you seldom hurt them, but they usually hurt you. Its quite confusing whether to believe them or not, to believe what they have been saying, there texts full of love, even there little gestures of love. Its like we let them destroy us, we let them make us stronger and at the same time, we sometimes get to think what we are doing is wrong. We should walk away from them. Time heals everything but again if we keep calm and let time heal the situation, we never know who we are loving. We have to put them in a situation where we could see their true face. Love is something crazy. I sometimes think its a psychological error, all those who love are mentally ill or something. Or its some sort of self satisfaction, we satisfy ourselves by fulfilling our words, our words to love that person. We keep on loving because we want to make a difference between ourselves and that person. I would write millions and millions of words to explain my feelings, but the bottom line is : ” If you have not yet fallen in love with someone, you better not. And if you want to taste it, you will have to taste it forever. Its a dish that is unique in its taste, you get addicted to it, it hurts you,it satisfies you. You give it a definition whether its sweet, sour, bitter or ‘tasteless’ . “

  6. Loving someone is something that can not be defined at all. You keep on loving someone and you seldom hurt them, but they usually hurt you. Its quite confusing whether to believe them or not, to believe what they have been saying, there texts full of love, even there little gestures of love. Its like we let them destroy us, we let them make us stronger and at the same time, we sometimes get to think what we are doing is wrong. We should walk away from them. Time heals everything but again if we keep calm and let time heal the situation, we never know who we are loving. We have to put them in a situation where we could see their true face. Love is something crazy. I sometimes think its a psychological error, all those who love are mentally ill or something. Or its some sort of self satisfaction, we satisfy ourselves by fulfilling our words, our words to love that person. We keep on loving because we want to make a difference between ourselves and that person. I would write millions and millions of words to explain my feelings, but the bottom line is : ” If you have not yet fallen in love with someone, you better not. And if you want to taste it, you will have to taste it forever. Its a dish that is unique in its taste, you get addicted to it, it hurts you,it satisfies you. You give it a definition whether its sweet, sour, bitter or ‘tasteless’ . “

  7. I’ve been with this guy for 5 years.we dated for 4 years.I found out he was unfaithful shortly after I also found out I was pregnant.I then also found out in his unfaithfulness got another woman pregnant.since then we haven’t been officially a couple.we I guess for lack of a better phrase” mess around”.he has had sex with other women and lied to my on numerous ocassions.claiming he us sorry and loves me..recently decided enough is enough…the past few days have been hard.I love this man.5 years and a child I’ve put up with what most women wouldn’t..he reached out and claims he is very sorry.that he know he isn’t perfect and has work to do…I don’t know if I should forgive him or just let it go…I’ve been hurt by him a lot…but love him..any advice?

    1. Hi Shaunice,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I want to start off by saying I’m sorry to hear about your pain. It sounds like you’ve been down a tough road with this guy, and I can imagine that it’s even harder since he is the father of your child. There’s a few times it seems as though he’s hurt you… when you found out he was unfaithful, and then to find he is fathering another woman’s child. As women, respect and trust are two qualities that are the foundation for relationships, which is why I can understand where you’re conflicted when it comes to deciding what to do. While I do believe people who love us can hurt us {and still love us while doing it}, it doesn’t make the dilemma of whether or not to accept an apology any easier.

      My advice for you would be to decide what you want. What do you want for your relationship, your child, your future etc? Can you trust this man enough to establish some kind of trust that can be built upon? The challenge is answering these questions honestly, and being strong enough to do what you need to. Your bond with this man will always be there, as I can imagine you would want your child to have a father in their life, but in what capacity would you want him in yours? You need to decide this first.

      The biggest thing I’ve found to be true thus far, is that you can’t trust what people say, but pay close attention to what they do. The actions show true intentions and give any apologies or words meaning. I say, if he is serious about his ways and wants to change {and you want to have him in your life romantically} he needs to prove to you first that he’s taking the right steps to change and putting specific actions into motion.

      My heart goes out to you and I wish you nothing but happiness and the truth as you deserve it. Please let me know what you’ve decided.

      ❤️-Aurora

    2. Let him go even though it’s so so painful. Get your self confidence back by going out and socialising. Believe me I’m a woman from experience, I have 3 beautiful girls and my ex is a blazing alcoholic and blames me for his addiction. I was with him for 13 years and couldn’t imagine my life without him. It’s still raw now and think about him every second of the day!!! I’ve had my heart broken big time and do not think I could ever deeply love again. But you only get one shot at life….don’t waste it, try moving on and lift your spirit high.

      1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Leanne! I’m so sorry to hear the pain you have felt. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do to heal and feel better again.

        Warm thoughts your way. 💕

  8. yeah i just wanted to ask just my mate is really grouchy when he doesnt get his sleep and one day he walked away from me because he was mad and just for some reason it hurt alot. I dont even know why just im so attached and i feel like its a bad thing. I just dont want to feel pain like that and im worried that i will again. I grew so attached to this person.. i dont know if i can call it love or obsession but … it hurt alot when he left me that day and just felt as if he wouldnt ever talk to me again. it felt as if my life was coming to an end. Im just worried that it will happen again and i really dont know what to do.

  9. My boyfriend uses hurtful words to me, they’re horrible, like lunatic, psycho,crazy,demented, I cannot talk to him how I feel about any discussion we had about an ex or a girl he had met that causes me pain because of his actions, he calls my emotion psychotic. I admit I get mad or jealous whenever an ex of his comes up, so I ask him questions since its out there and gets mad and calls me names, my voice is low whenever I discuss this stuff with him, I’m not screaming neither calling him names. A lot of times I don’t say anything cuz I’m afraid that he’ll call me another name again, I am afraid to open my mouth and discuss stuff with him cuz he might call me another name again. This where all my doubts comes, does this men really care and love me like he said he does but whenever my feelings where hurt I questions my relationship with him. The way I see love…. you try not to hurt that person in your life, I think twice before I say something so I won’t say anything that might hurt the person I love and regret it. It marks a big dent in that person heart and mind. My ex had said to me that he stop loving me, find out later after it was too late that he never stop loving me, I have made mistakes and regreting the choices I made in the pass and I don’t want to repeat those mistakes again, I started questioning myself sometimes, am I holding on to this person only because of my pass?.

    1. Hello Iani,

      Thank you so much for the message. Isn’t it amazing how our past can affect us, even years down the road? I find this to be seen most often in relationships. I know, because I’ve lived it too, that when something negative comes up in my relationship, I try to look for a previous pattern that may be causing my immediate (sometimes irrational) reaction. I think in terms of your last relationship, you were hurt to hear that your ex no longer had feelings, but then later claimed that they did. I can see where you would feel hurt there, remembering the pain you’ve gone through and thinking that it wouldn’t have happened if maybe they realized sooner. The thing about this, is that I firmly believe EVERYTHING has its own timing. If you were meant to be with your ex, you would have found your way back to each other.

      Your current relationship seems a little different. I feel like you have the right idea when it comes to how to communicate in your relationship. When people begin to forget the power of their words, they have the tendency to cause more damage than maybe what that person anticipated. Communication is the single most powerful key to any relationship (lovers, family, friends, etc). I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend seems to not take into consideration how much his words are hurting you. I know the pain that that brings, and you don’t deserve that. No one does.

      The way you see love Iani seems spot on to me. You treat the person you’re with with love and this should be seen through your words… Even when you’re upset and angry. My advice to you, is to never allow anyone to make you feel as though you need to be silent. If you have questions about a past relationship your boyfriend had, it shouldn’t lead to you being called names, especially in the way that you describe the situation to me.

      Iani, you deserve to be treated with the love that you give. You’re worthy of that.

      Thanks for the note, please reach out if you have any other questions or updates! 💝

      -Aurora

  10. When someone you love hurts you is a really good article. I had this very good friendship with a guy i knew for about 5 years. I met him off a social website and when i met him he said he was all alone. I made friends with him then discovered that he needed help with things like university. I gave him money to help him through his university and 2 comfort him. I supported him emotionally and mentally and i had a lot of love for him. He became my best friend and i thought he became mine. We were always talking to each other everyday and texting and messagingi supported him and was always there for him he’s to ask me to help him with his assignments and to read to him he would come and see me every weekend and there were times when i would go and see him even when he was in financial trouble i would help him pay for his rent i would give him money for that i also giving money money travel to see me so that you wouldn’t feel like he was living out i was paid for his lunch is his dinners to come out special places showered him with lots of gifts and i understood the reason why he was saying he never could get me i knewanything was because he was poor.i loved him in a very special way but we never spoke about having a full relationship because i knew he was always flirting with other women and had other girlfriends.i know he kept many women in his life yet he had so many personal problems to do with immigration. Despite that i loved him a lot in my heart even though he would often say hurtful things to me like calling me nasty names he would then laugh it off. I still protected him and didn’t tell my family about him very much because i knew that they would tell me offbecause i was actually supporting this guy financially with many things. Many times he kept hurting me by pushing me away and i never took that as a sign. Many times he left me ignored me and abandoned me and rejected my calls yet i still care and kept him in my life as a close friend.it used to hurt me when he kept labelling me with strange names and it made me feel like ok he doesn’t love me but i still care a lot about him and i will keep helping him we used to have lots of arguments and he would shut me out but i would always keep running back to him. Recently there was an incident when i was angry with him because he didn’t take my call.i said to him things by text like i will never see him again because i was anxious about this was coming hospital appointment he used the f word and told me to never come back and since then he has not contacted me and when i try to contact him he was rude to me on the phone and send me messages to say that he hated me and he will always hate me forever. Hatred for me is a very strong word it is not in my nature yet to be told that because of what i had said i’m a very bad woman and a snake really hurt me i have put up with a lot of abusive words from him in the past because i cared for him and love him deeply i think it was obviously one sided and now i’m finding it very hard to let it go your site has really helped me understand myself and i understand that i should never care for people that don’t care for me back. The thing that hurts me the most is he never saw the care I had. I feel used that all the time I supported him meant nothing to him.

    1. Hi MJ,

      Thank you so much for sending me a message! You sound like a great person with a beautiful soul, and I appreciate you reaching out to me more than you know. I want to let you know first and foremost, that you are not alone. There are many men and women out there who aren’t afraid to put their heart on their sleeve and become vulnerable for a person they really care about. There is nothing wrong with these feelings, and I think it’s a genuine, natural feeling to want to have toward someone.

      It hurts me to hear the way that you’ve been treated by this man. I honestly can’t think of a worse feeling to have then when you feel like someone is using you or has taken advantage. From a financial and emotional state, it’s easy to see that you did a lot of this guy, and he chose to take care of your kindness. What you need to know though MJ, is that this doesn’t make anything wrong with YOU. When someone knowingly takes advantage of a person in the way he has done to you, the fault is on them.

      My advice to you is to not let him continue to do this to you if your relationship picks back up. My real advice would be to stay far, far away from him- but knowing that that isn’t always easy, I advise you to guard yourself. Your time, money and feelings are far more valuable than any attention this guy deserves from you.

      No one should call you names, MJ. Especially someone you have done so much for in all aspects of his life. You deserve better than that. My heart hurts for you during this time of not knowing what’s next, but it WILL get better. Stay strong for yourself as you move forward, and know that someone far away is thinking of you, and sending you warm thoughts. 💌

      Thank you for reaching out and please update me!!

      -Aurora

  11. Dear Aurora,
    Thank you so much for replying. It brought tears to my eyes to read your response, especially when you say that there is nothing wrong in ME for what has happened. I always have blamed myself when treated badly. Reading what you write made me feel so much brighter and happier – You are right, I have tried to get back with my friend, but each time I send a message, its the same response ” I will always hate you” …” I will never forgive you”.

    I feel guilty all the time like I made a big mistake – the mistake I made was being annoyed because he rejected my calls and all I wanted to do was to tell him that I had a hospital appointment and could not meet him. I did not know he wanted to see me for some urgent legal advice, and when I called him back twice, he rejected my calls … yet he blames ME. I got frustrated he asked me to f*** off and each time since, he has kept saying that I used him… it has really hurt me when he says that because on reflection it seems to be that I have been used. I know he is not well off but I never asked to pay for anything, I always funded everything. What hurts the most is I gave to him whatever I could out of love, not out of hatred. it was a special love because we were not dating or in a relationship.

    I wish I could just reach out to him and tell him… hey stop being so mad at me., I may have made a mistake, but what did I do that was so wrong, compared to the long friendship. when I first met him, he used to call me all the time, so much sweet talk yet later it turned out he needed help. I have made myself sick with self analysis, self counselling and self doubts. I sent him some money just to tell him, hey you are not alone.. and I have not treated you badly. But he wont reply and he keeps ignoring me and all I want to do is TALK .. I cry so much because I am anxious and I am not used to this kind of behaviour, I have read your article over and over again, each time I feel low. But then I feel suddenly I have just been pushed away!
    I have moments of ” oh well, let it go” and other moments when I have flashbacks of the good times, and our lovely walks together our times together. I see the good so much and it makes me think why cant he see that ? Why the extreme hatred towards me yet when I messaged a mutual friend, he said that all is ok with this guy. I am trying to get my head around what has happened. why I am hated so much by someone I care for.
    I have been feeling a lot better since reaching out to you, you have made me realise the problem is not in me, but its him, yet I am still emotionally distraught. I am in my 40’s he is in his 30’s I never wanted a marriage or anything from him, just a good loyal friendship and yet all of what went on in the past 5 years feels like an Illusion….. an Illusion I created for myself. Yet he feels nothing at all it seems. He accused me of using his as “poor person” Yet I know and God knows that never happened. It is simply not in my nature to be this way – I believe in giving and being loving but this has made me feel like I should never trust or befriend another man. Its very hurtful, but I want to thank you for giving me strength and help through your positive words… I know it will take me a long time and the worst part is the loneliness, feelings of self harm and suicidal feeling and feeling of loss. I appreciate I am not alone, but I had a lot of love to give, and on reflection it seems it was all one sided and illusory !
    I am sorry for writing so much but I feel like I can talk to you here and reach out to you. It gives me a sense of sanity (if that makes sense).
    Thank you so much for being here for me – its hard for me to reach out to a few of the other friends I have as they will see me as a failure, given their successful and happy relationships, when I seem like I am a total failure. Yet to the outside world, I am a successful professional and business woman but with so much hurt I carry each day.
    Thank you Aurora x

    1. Dear MJ,

      I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found some solace in our exchange of words. I’m sorry again to hear how much you’re hurting, especially since you’ve expressed how much you now know this pain is not your fault. It sounds like you need to cut this guy out of your life. He manipulates the nice things you do for him, by saying that you’re using him because “he’s poor?” These aren’t words that a normal person would use, when they should be grateful for a helping hand when they need it. All facets of this story show that he is in fact using you… And then makes you feel guilty to get more reactions from you. Trust me, I know how easy it is to see this from the outside, and when you’re living it, it’s extremely hard to see through the smoke and mirrors— but you need to see that this is what it is. His manipulation is blinding you to see that this relationship is only continuing to hurt you.

      With the giving heart that you have, you deserve someone who will embrace it, adore it and will value that goodness in you, always. You can’t allow someone else to give you the short end of the stick. Most importantly, when you realize this is what is happening, you need to know to walk away too. There’s a saying, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them.’ And I’ve found that to be more true as I get older. People can’t live up to the expectations you set for them– they can only be who THEY truly are.

      I know I’ve said this before, but you deserve better, MJ. I hope you continue to be strong and try to push yourself away from this guy and any manipulation he’s sending your way. I’ll continue sending you love & light. Xo

      Aurora

      1. Dear Aurora
        Thank you so much for the faith and strength you have given me with your words of kindness and wisdom. Mj x

  12. My name is saurav i am in relationship bt my relationship is nt much more longer today she broke up wid me nd the reasn is she had no feelings for me i tell every thing i do everything that she wants… Bt she never understand my feelimgs…why im so much frustrated i cant control my feelings….i want to cry im cryimg i really love him…bt she break my heart wid out any reasn…why why why why…what’s my fault….if u read this thn please answer my questions i m really broken i cant stand i m broken broken i hav too many problems my mom was paralised nd my family blames me tht ur the reasn for her….nd she left me alone…i am feeling lonely in thz dark world..

    1. Hello Saurav,

      I’m so incredibly sorry to hear how much pain you are in right now. It sounds like the relationship you have lost has brought a lot of sadness to you. Sometimes, when we don’t understand why a person we care about leaves us, it makes the relationship ending that much harder. You are never alone, however, and I hope that you know that there’s someone hundreds of miles away hoping that you’re feeling alright and is sending happy vibes and feelings your way.

      Thank you for reaching out, and please let me know how you’re feeling.

      Love, Aurora

  13. Hey There
    I read all of what you wrote and it is very inspiring but what Do i do when i love this person so much to a way that i can’t let him go , i asked him if i can see him but he keeps on saying that he’s busy and he’s ignoring my messages recently even though he reads them and now im stuck between taking a break or sending him a goodbye message that tells him that I’ve been hurt by him , but at the same time i can’t stand the idea of him not being in my life .
    Thank you

  14. Hi am Nancy n av been married for 2 yrs now bt my so called husband has never respected me he calls me all sorts of names n he has cheated on me several times bt i find myself forgiving him av alwaiz been faithful n good wife always supportive am confused dont knw weather should leave him or stay n endure the pain. plz help…

    1. Hi Nancy,

      Although I am not married, I plan on getting married within the next year, and have some ideals of what I look forward to in my marriage. Respect is key, as is trust and support. Was there a time when your husband showed you the qualities that are lacking now? Or have these qualities always shown through? I’m so sorry to hear the way you’re hurting right now. When someone betrays your trust, it’s so hard to regain it, especially if the person isn’t fighting much to build it back up. As a partner in your marriage, you deserve more than that… Your husband owes that to you.

      Please reach out again if you’d like,
      I’ll definitely keep you in my thoughts.

      Best, Aurora

  15. My boyfriend and I had a newborn baby and i found out he has been cheating and lying to me throughout my whole pregnancy and after. I love him with all my heart. I moved on with this by forgiving him and he promised me so many things, including that he will change and he lied once again. I got so angry and hurt that i lost control and i looked for him and i found him at his cousins house and so i ran inside and started hitting him asking why so many times. His cousin beat me inside his home in front of my boyfriend and he only picked me up from the floor and took me outside to talk. he kept saying im sorry, you dont deserve this. He kept saying I love you and i left the home crying badly because he did it again and because his cousin beat me in front of him and never saw him move him away from me. I was expecting him to run to me and tell me im sorry and i love you but he never did. He stayed with his cousin. I kept looking for him after that to try to fix things because i dont want to loose him.

    Within two days he finally wanted to fix things and wants me and keeps saying i love you to me but by the next day, we are arguing and he threatens me by saying that he will leave the house. I would give in and act like nothing happened and try so hard to keep him happy so he can stay and love me and his daughter. but the same thing repeats. I got so tired one day that i told him to leave the house and he did leave the house. I was just crying all day and everyday! I still look for him and try to convince him to come back but he says no. that its best for him not to because he hates the questions and the arguments. I try to avoid that so he can come.

    When we are good, he shows me lots of love and tells me he loves me but its not often. but when we argue he treats me like his worst enemy. when i sometimes tell him I love you when he is mad a little, he rolls his eyes or doesnt want to look at me. I love him so deeply and try so hard to show him and he says he knows that i love him but sometimes he says i love him too much or more than he loves me. Im trying so hard lately to keep my calm but its so hard to stop crying and stop thinking about him. this has never happened to me in my life. And i have two other children from my first marriage. This never happened to me before. He recently told me that he has plans for us and that i will be very happy but the next day he said he said his plans are for him to find a place of his own and be happy. i dont understand. i dont know if he loves me or not. i feel so so stupid sometimes because i want him and love him very much. but sometimes i dont deserve him. i dont know how to deal with this. its so hard. Love is so strong and hard. What should i do??? Please.

  16. Hi I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years with a guy 20 years my senior and last year I felt that he is becoming too close for comfort with someone who works for him 35 years younger than him. She became his constant companion in everything. He kept denying every time I confront him until the day came that the girl called me and told me everything and even put on the speaker phone in order for me to listen to their conversation where she was confronting him for seeing me and he was also denying and said that “it’s you I am with every single day it’s you that I love….and so on and so forth” then she said that I am listening on the other side and I already confirmed that we were together. I felt betrayed, my world fell apart all these time I trusted him and loved him with all my life. From that day on he became distant, he was in touch by text but never shows up even when I am wanting to see him until that day he texted me “let’s just be friends”. I was so hurt because he was saying nasty things about that girl only to choose her in the end. It happened last April and after a month he started getting in touch again once in a while to ask how I am. It’s not a regular everyday thing anymore but just the thought the he still thinks about me gives me joy. He also has an email to me that he will love me as long as he lives. Yesterday he texted me again how i am and he miss me. We said i love you to each other. I am happy the way that we are still in touch and we dont fight anymore, I know they are very much together and he’s been taking her to her out of town work, but I already accepted the fact that it’s not going to be us again but we still love each other.

    Now I can say that true love means you care for another persons happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the experience may be. I couldn’t be as available as she is to him as I am very much married he is too. The other girl is separated and single.

    1. Hi Namrita,

      A lot to address here, but I’m so glad you reached out! Could you explain your last two lines really quick? You two were married and now you’re not? Or both of you are married to different people and this other woman is single?

      Hope to hear from you soon!

      Aurora

      1. Hi Aurora!

        We are both married to different people since the beginning and we protected our relationship and our family kept everything in secrecy to avoid causing them hurt and pain. We used to work together until I had to move to another company and he also pursued a different career so we only see each other once or twice a week but we get in touch everyday.

        The new girl is separated and has her own place so they have more time together.

        Its almost 2 months since we broke up and the past 2 weeks he has been getting in touch by sending text messages. He tells me that he loves me, still cares for me and I am still his honey. He said he miss me so much. I wanted to see him again but I don’t want to initiate it. I know that they are still very much together. I really love him so much and just the thought that he still thinks of me once in a while gives me joy. I don’t want to think anymore of the times he lied and betrayed me and everything that the girl confessed to me. I just don’t want to dwell on that anymore as it pains me a lot if I will.

        I’m glad to find your site, I have someone to talk to. No one knows about us not even my closest friends. It’s been 2 months yet there are times that I really miss him and I get emotional. I’ve been used to talking to him everyday and now no more.

        Thanks for your time.

  17. I’ve been talking to a guy for 6 months now when we first met I noticed that he was a complete different guy than the usuals i would talk to and he made it clear to me of what type of person he was but I was willing to take the risk and continue to talk to him the first 2-3 months were ok then he started to change, he would ignore me and call me names hes not that sweet person I once knew. Not to mention his ex is starting to come into the picture and they’ve known each other for 5 years now how do I compete with that I really like this guy heck I think I might have gained some type of love for him. I just don’t know what to do at this point he tells me he loves me and there’s nothing going on between him and her but I don’t know something in the back of my mind is telling me there is I hope he isn’t playing around with my heart because I would be really heart broken. I try to gain confidence to tell him how I feel but sometimes he doesn’t like talking about our feelings towards each other so I keep it bundled inside and not say a word. But it’s crazy because when I’m with him I never want to leave but when I have to I’m an emotional wreck. Please help me I need answers.

    1. Hi SS, I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt and confused. With the back and forth way this man is treating you, however, it’s no surprise that you’re confused, because I would be too. Does he still ignore you and call you names sometimes or has that changed? You said he tells you he loves you now, is that along with some of the mean things too? I know sometimes people become close with their exes after they have broken up, so is there any chance that’s the case- they’re just friends maybe? How did you become aware of this ex and is there anything to make you feel as though he’s not being respectful? Sorry I know a lot of questions, just trying to figure out where I can help you!

      Talk with you soon!
      Best,

      Aurora

  18. I was with a guy for 1 year and towards the end we started having a few really big fights which ended in tears. The main issue was him continuously crossing the line with other girls and not understanding why that upset me. After one quite prominent fight at a party he decided that he wanted a break for 2 weeks to give each other space. However during this time we still spoke as I was off holidaying in another country. When i came back, he was strange around me and when i asked him what he wanted to do (i’d told him that i wanted to try and fix things) he still couldn’t tell me. He left me hanging for a week until i was so distressed at the confusing situation that i told him we couldn’t be together until he figured out what he wanted. He took this as a way out, just accepting it without argument and didn’t speak to me for about 2 weeks. After this he began to get closer to me again, flirting and talking with me; just making me think that we were becoming good friends which i really wanted. We both ended up at the same party one night and he saw me with another guy. He pulled me aside and yelled at me saying “that i ruined any chance of us getting back together”. He did this to me again the following day when we were at a festival together. We ended up spending the day together – acting like a couple again. When i asked him the following day what was happening between us he simply told me that “nothing has changed”. I then found out that he had been with other girls at that party yet had still had the nerve to get angry at me for doing exactly what he was doing. But now he has told me multiple times that he doesn’t want to be with other girls, as i’ve told him i don’t want to be with other guys. But even now, when i simply hang out with a guy he gets so angry at me! It’s been going on like this for a few weeks now and i honestly don’t know what to think. He’s continuously hurting me over again as sometimes he wants me and other times he doesn’t? It’s as though he can’t figure out what he wants but it’s not fair on me at all.
    I don’t know what to do anymore, because it can’t continue like this. What do you think is going on in his head???

    1. Hi Viola,

      I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this with this guy. It seems as though the repeated pattern on both of your ends says a lot. I think a lot of times, in situations like yours, a double-standard comes into play. It isn’t fair that he can go out and meet new girls, and then gets upset with you when you’re meeting a new guy. He wants to have his cake and eat it too– that’s not right for you to have to deal with. When we love someone, sometimes I think it’s hard to identify when that person isn’t treating us as well as they should be. My advice sweetie, is to work in yourself and what you’re looking for, and allow for this guy to walk away. If at the end of the time where you see what you want, you find that it’s him, then that’s okay. I think he needs to see that he can’t pick you up and put you down when he wants. You deserve better.

      Take care of yourself first. ❤

      Aurora

  19. I am a student of 12th std i ssly need sm advice i used to like a guy last year it was nvr like he nvr responded he flirted he used to care for 3 mnth we had a beautiful relation later i dnt knw wht hpnd he stated ignoring me cmpltly..i thought of gvng him time so we ddnt talk fr a mnth dn i told him i wna talk i asked him whtz d mtr he went away after cmng frm dere ppl stated asking me y i did thisi asked them wht they said u shudnt hv asked him y he is distracted in his life i was shocked bcz i nvr asked him dis later i met wid an accident he was d first person to ccome after sm dayz he came again i asked him wht hpnd he avoided this tpc i asked him y he ddnt visited ne he said hr used to cm every day but was not alwd in Icu i said k later i gotta knw he was frcd to cm dere sm frndz went to talk he created a matter out of it i nvr understood y he did all dis he evn said creepy thingz i nvr said anythg i thgt he must b dng dis for focusng in studies so i nvr tried to talk agn but he kept on dng so n simultaneously used to smile n stare i always took his side n left him as a classmate but he cntnd to react in a cute way but never confronted..he was sad due to his x brkup too but y he reacted like dis i nvr knw what should i do after all dis i just cañt focus on studies n dis all forced me to chng towadz everyone i cant trust anyone now he played wid my trust evn used wrdz like i want sympathy n all but looking in his eyes everyone sees d care dey tell me he likes me n all m really very frustrated lost many frndz n my own attitude is also gone still i want he shud b hpy i ssly love him plz tel me wht to do n plzzz reply fast

  20. Hey Aurora,

    I had this friend that I knew for six years and just these two past years we become closer then ever. We would hangout with each other everyday and go on trips together. And recently, I asked him if we were ever going to become a official . We were acting like a couple but we weren’t officially one. He and he told me that I deserve better than him and that he care about me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. This was the same guy that asked me out years ago but I wasn’t ready and he told me that he understood where I was coming from. It’s been hard letting him go because I thought we were friends and that he would never hurt me like this but I wrong. Now he has a girlfriend even though we stopped talking month ago. This makes me wonder if he was with this girl along. I know you learn more about someone at the end of a relationship then at the beginning but I thought it was different, I thought we were friends but I guess not.

  21. Im always hurt by a i love so much, i dont know whether he is cheating me or not, what i know is that theres no passing without a fight between us, and sametimes we fight for useless conflict. he controls me, his secretive, i wish God could help me by kiping my heart so that i wont feel even a little pain because I’m too young for having stress, i love him so much and he is the only guy i wanna be with.

  22. My boyfriend with who I am 8 years all ready and we have child together cheat on me. I catch him sending text messages. He admitted finally that he kissed her couple of times and for about 3 months was calling her and she was calling him, texts and pics Until I found out. And then he promised on his child life he stopped it and I check his phone statement and that was a lie. So I left him when to stay with my friends and I took my son with me and he came to get me after two nights. And now he said he stopped for sure. And he wants to be with me. Hearts so much, I nearly feel like he died, like I grieve. And she has husband and two children. And my partner has a daughter from previous relationships which I always was looking after, I just don’t get it how he could do something like that to me. I don’t know how to move on and don’t think about it any more is been 4 weeks and still hurts, the only thing is different – I cry less.
    I love him but discussed me every time I think what he did nor just me but our family

  23. I got married on June 28, 2010. My husband lived outside of the U.S. and I had to go pick him up and I stayed 2 months, I loved him with all my heart but the first time He hit me it is all I think of i forgave him and he did it again and again even when I was pregnant, when our daughter was born he STOPED hitting me until his parents came to live with us then he would call me a slut a whore that I was worthless and a bum so I left. I took my daughter and left he sent me messages claiming he loves me and when I reject him he curses at me!! I don’t know what to do or think I’m drawing a blank, am I making a mistake by leaving? Why does he put me down if he loves me? Is the questions I’ve asked him and he blames me!!

    1. We have been together for 5 years I spent 2 months at his country before coming to us worked 2 jobs and I gave him all my money, my mom bought me clothes and personal items because he would start arguing about money!! I don’t know what is his issue!! I spoke to him and said “whom ever your listening to are idiots that’s why you lost your wife and child!” And he goes “are you calling my parents idiots!” I just am so confused and don’t know what to do!!😭😭

  24. Hii .. My name is Sarah ,
    I’m crazy in love with someone but ..😔she’s doesn’t love me 💔 and i know that love is just a shout into the void .. It gets harder every day ! I think because he love someone else 😞 my heart hurts ! Nothing hurts more than watching him love another girl :(( this is unbearable pff 😦 i love someone who just makes u feel like shit , so many tears for nothing

    How can help me..? THANKS 💕

    1. Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear how much you’re hurting. Love can be tricky for this reason… Just like we can’t choose who we love, others can’t do it either. I think especially when we’re at a young age, I feels as though we won’t feel love again, and the pain is unbearable, but trust me in that GREAT love will come again. Time does make us feel better and time also brings us to the one we’re meant to be with! Chin up sweetie! Someone from PA is thinking of you today & sending you warm thoughts ❤️

      1. Thanks youuu so much !!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ You made me feel like something good is coming , and i always have HOPE 😇 ..

        ~you are really nice Miss Aurora~

  25. I dont know where to start. Right now i do really in pain. Im in relationship with a man for more than 1 year. We had fight so much time and now everytime i react he always ignore and denied that he did hurting me. I was with a man before this one, he cheated on me lots of times and turn me into depressed and frigile women. In short, i got traumatize. And my new partner doesnt seems to understand that, i didnt react at first everytime he hurt a little. But now i always did and he denied all the things he did that was hurting me, he said he loves me so much but he didnt treat me right in fact.

    I really dont know what to do, even im in a country in my partner’s country which i dont lots any friends or anyone to help.

  26. Hi im im zeeh and i’d like to know how to let go nor to forget about someone you trully love and that you still love whom you wish to be with again but you fear for getting hurt again…my point is,is it normal to have this kind of a feeling or will it fade away?I still Love him and he’s this type of a guy who lives in his own mistry so i want to know how do i forget its been 3 months now since we broke up
    thank you and i’m looking forward t hear from you

    1. Hi Zeeh, I think it’s very normal to miss someone you love, especially if the change of you not being with them is very recent. Three months, while is a good amount of time, isn’t all the time you need to move forward. When someone really hurts us, it makes sense to feel that pain for awhile after it happens- even longer than three months. My advice is to hang in there! Time truly does heal all… it just takes longer than we’d hope sometimes! Let me know if I can help you further.

      Keeping you in my thoughts ❤ Aurora

  27. After reading all of this it has helped me so much. My experience is much like ‘MJ’s. He was my best friend. For 2 years I did everything I could to help him. I won’t get into details it is still very painful. But I think the hardest part is after all the mean and hurtful things said and done, after all the back and forth and for awhile taking the blame just to smooth things over I can’t understand why I still have such a strong love for this man. I also believe he got me involved with crystal meth to help feed his addiction. I’m now trying to fight my own addiction to this drug and believe that my wanting to quit using it is the reason he has totally cut me from his life. Though I know that it is now a better situation for me that we are no longer friends, I cannot get rid of the love I have for him. This is the most painful situation I have ever been in throughout my life. I cry everyday and struggle to just go to work each day. I have never felt so alone as I do now. I have no close friends and no one knows of my involvement with drugs. I’m trying to stay strong.

    1. Hi Cheri,

      I’m so happy you decided to reach out. I’m sorry you are enduring so much pain right now. Loving someone you are not with IS the hardest thing a person can go through in relationships. The other obstacle you are facing is your addiction, which I can imagine isn’t helping those feelings either. The first thing I’m wondering is if you currently seeking support for your drug use? When we use things that can numb us (in this case drugs, but can be alcohol, working out, over working etc) it pushes the problem out of sight for a short time- but ultimately brings it back around 10 fold.

      Love takes a tremendous amount of time to not feel as present in our lives- especially if it’s something we really wanted or want. What I’m proud of you for is seeing that your life NOW is better without this other person in it– you see the greener grass. Recognize this in yourself, because many struggle to see that aspect when painfully blinded by love.

      I think it’s important to address the fact that sometimes we will always love someone. Even when we know it can’t work or we’re better off moving on, that feeling of connection may never leave. And that’s okay.

      Cheri, my advice for you is to continue caring about and working on yourself. Think about a family member, co-worker, neighbor or someone whom you can form positive relationships with and find support. If you haven’t sought out options to address your drug involvement, I encourage you to do that first. There are some amazing people out there on the road to discovering our best selves. I promise you that.

      Please let me know how you are, I’ll be sending warm thoughts your way.

      Take care,
      Aurora

  28. I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say, but reading everything you wrote totally changed how I deal with situations. No matter what a persons situation is, the hardest part is resolving it. I’m so hurt by the person I love but I don’t how to express how hurt I am. I always hide my pain and keep it all bundled up inside. Deal with it on my own. And it’s killing me. But I dealt with long enough on my own. Gotta express how I’m feeling now.

    1. Hi LB,

      Trust me, I completely agree with you!! Pain is so hard to deal with, especially when we’re dealing with someone we love. Expressing yourself is often the hardest part, but you can do it!!! You’ve got this!

      Sending you love ❤️
      -Aurora

  29. Thank you, Ms. Beani, for your wise advice. It’s proven useful in trying to decide how to react to some things a friend of mine has said. I’ll be sure to keep what I’ve read here in mind in the coming days.

  30. I am very hurt My son and his wife were had triplets and told me they were giving one of the girls my middle name when they were born she decided to change her middle name to Jean. I was so proud at the thought of a grandchild with part of my name. My heart is broken but how can I explain how I feel with out sounding like a spoiled brat. I felt so honored.

  31. I’ve been hurt recently by a girl cared about alot. We started out as friends and then in the last year or so my feelings have become more than friends. Also she was going through a breakup and she leaned on me alot. A few months after her breakup I decided to surprise her with flowers at her work. I wanted to show her I really cared about her and do something nice for her. Unfortunately she did not really give me the response I was hoping and even went as far to say it wasnt needed. She did however thank me. It really hurt me because I really thought this girl was special but now I dont know anymore. Also she didnt contact me for over a week after that. I feel devastated. And to add even more salt in the wound she informed me she went on a date with a guy. The thing is im 36 years old and at this point want to settle down with a good woman and I really felt this girl could of been the right person. I really hate my life right now!

  32. Thank you for your post! It is wise and true. Taking time, how long? As you said only time will dictate and give me that answer! Let it destroy me? It already has, for me; is more learning to smile again and live myself again. As I discover what this person did to me and pre meditated too knowingly how much they would hurt me! I don’t feel anger at least not yet! I am angry towards myself for not seeing the signs and allowing it to happen! The sorrow and the disappointment and I still long and love this person! Why do I hope against hope! Something like this I would had never forgive nor tolerate but here I am wondering what I did to got here and deserve this so badly! It’s only been 5 months. He was my first love and I had save myself long to give myself to someone worth it, and he took advantage of my naïveté and used me as a booty call then toss me aside without a good bye, he just disappeared! He planned it and probably is laughing at his easy conquest next! So how do you get over so much hurt and poison in your soul! Depression is killing me and I am tired of feeling empty and used! Help

    1. Hi Iris,

      If you celebrate, Merry Christmas and if not, I’m still sending you lots of love and light today. I want to start by telling you that I’m sorry you are currently hurting and that something sparked your interest in seeking my blog. Pain is so hard to deal with, but when you take a moment to seek out others and relate- it can do more help than most can bargain for. When you ask me how much time- I wish I had an answer. If I had an answer to that I would have been a lot better off throughout my own troubles and difficulties over the last 2 years. As for destroying you— Iris, nothing can destroy you, unless in your heart and mind you allow it to. Allowing hardship and pain to break your spirit and who you are DOES NOT help you or make your difficult path any easier. You are not destroyed… In this post alone, I can tell that and believe you are stronger than you think you are. And the fact that you are trying to learn to smile again and live again, shows you’re not destroyed.

      I’ve learned that even when someone does something that is “premeditated” and that they know can hurt is, all is not lost. I am assuming you two are over? Honestly, if anyone makes you feel like a “booty call” or disappears, they are not worth your time. In these couple of months where you heal I want you to remember this- he did you a favor. He did. Whether you want to believe it now, or take some time to understand- he was never meant for you. Iris, you deserve the world sweetie… Ever person does. If he could not provide this, he was not meant for you.

      I’m sending you more love than you can imagine! You’re strong, remember that!

      Someone from Pennsylvania has you in their thoughts and prayers.

      Xox Shine forward,

      Aurora

  33. I think your advice was perfect and your words are true for me myself I need to step back and think things over. Thank you for your great article.

    1. Hi Jenna! Thank you so much for the comment! As someone who can understand and appreciate struggle when it comes to relationships (any kind) I send my love and positive vibes your way. I hope you have an amazing New Year. ❤️ Please reach out if you need to!

      Xo -Aurora

  34. I m 25 years female,i am in relationship with a guy whom i trust and love lot,but whenever i need him he is not there .My family won’t accept our relationship but i can’t live without him.i have tried many times to give up on this relationship..he never cheated on me..never lied to me..but the only problem is that he is not expressive…i cry and scream and he do nothing just become quiet…today he was watching match and i called him n cried ,,,…he responded rudely ..please suggest me ….is he serious for me?or m thinking to much ?

  35. Hey, this is my first time on your page and I just want to say how inspirational this is to me.
    I have been going through a lot recently and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t leave the person I love (which in this case is one of my best friends) because he means so much to me and I really want to stick by his side. He has hurt me so many times but I can’t bring myself to leave him as we are very close and I love him to bits. I think it’s destroying me but I really don’t want to leave him, he’s a part of my life now. I have to let it destroy me or else I’ll lose him. I don’t think it’ll make me stronger and I don’t want to leave so therefore I’m not going to walk away.
    I think he’s depressed. I used to be depressed and he’s showing all the signs of depression. He also recently started self harming and it’s putting me on edge. It’s partly why I can’t leave because he says he will kill his self if I do leave.
    I just want a break from it all. It’s putting a lot of stress and pressure on me.
    We talk every single day. Monday to Friday – Before and after school.
    Saturday to Sunday (Plus days off school and holidays) – Every time of the day. Accept when he has football on certain days and when one of us go out.
    It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t talk to him he gets sad. But also he gets sad talking to me. I try to reassure him and tell him to think of the positives, but he believes there are more negatives and thinks of them instead.
    I need some personal advise on what to do. Anything will be okay.
    Thank you so much, Mj x

  36. Good Afternoon,

    I don’t know where to start and this is a first for me. First of all I know who God is and I have a relationship with him and I know we have trials, test and tribulations we have to go through. It has been said “if he brings it to you, he can bring you through it” I also trust and believe that If we trust and believe him he will work it out for us. Unfortunately life does not come with instructions. This is why we live and learn. I am in a place right now that I can’t understand or believe what is going on in my life. I have been in this relationship for 12 years (8 years straight and 4 years off and on) I have never, never loved a man as much as I love him. I don’t know what happen or where things went wrong. This man was the most loving and caring man I have met in my life, and that is probably why I fell so hard for him. I have ALWAYS been there for him and he has done the same for the 8 years. We have had several insistence with his drinking and drug problem where it has gotten out of hand. It got so bad to where I had to put him out and he was homeless for a while. I felt so bad. While out there he met a woman and said that there was nothing going on that they was just helping each other out while being homeless. Mind you she has nothing to offer him. She is also a drug addict and was homeless. Another note she is white and he is black (No Problem), but her parents is racist. So he said that he wanted to come back home and work things out. He promised he would get help. He did he got into a program and joined an AA meeting. In the mean time he was still keeping in contact with this woman and got caught several times texting and talking to her and that was the extent of at. He was always either at home or at work. In the mean time there was not too much talking between him and I, not going anywhere or doing things together, The intimacy had stop completely, which I did not mind too much because I had got save and wanted to wait until we got married any way, but there was no holding, comforting or kissing at all, we became distance. I tried talking to him several time but to no avail. He still claimed he loved so much and nothing was wrong an it is still going to work it out. The drinking and drugs got worse. When he is not drinking it is like night and day He have been through a lot with his family. They barely talk to each other or have any relationship except on mothers or fathers day or if someone has passed away. I know know this bothers him very much and I thought that is why the drinking was happening. I see so much in him and want the best for him. But the lies, deceitfulness, games I just can’t play anymore, It hurts so much I can’t take it. I advised him that I am not going to sit by and watch him destroy himself an it needs to change. So needless to say he is gone now and went to this girl that he met. I am not understanding why would he not want to better himself and why would would he want to be in a position where all hell can break loose. What is wrong that he doesn’t want me anymore. All I ever did was love him to the fullest. I don’t know how to deal with this hurt. I am tired of hearing its going to work out or trust God. I do trust God and know and believe it is going to work out. How do I deal with this NOW? I can’t stop the tears from flowing, I can’t sleep at night. I have to make myself eat when I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel like this anymore it hurts too much. I hate this feeling! I know this is a lot but I have no one to turn to.

    1. Hello,

      I am so glad you decided to read the site and leave your feelings here. I want to start by saying how completely sorry I am for everything you’ve been going through and for the pain you’re feeling. As someone who also believes in God, I know some of the hardest things we go through, rely on that blind faith and that God is going to take care of us. It is not easy to have the faith you always have when you need it to work for you now. I need you to know that you’re not alone in this. I have been there and I know many others (even on this posting) have been there too. I have learned and do believe, however, that God sometimes works in a way that we don’t understand or maybe want to see. This man in your life sounds like he has provided years of joy and happiness for you, before you started see the effects of his alcohol and drug use. He was meant to be in your life for those years, for you to grow in love, a relationship, learn how to care for another, etc. Over these last few years where he has suffered from addiction and it has driven a wedge through the both of you- that was giving you something too- strength. Even when we feel that we know the best cure for something someone suffers from, it is not our burden to make them see that if they don’t want to. I say this respectfully and completely full of love- my friend, you are not able to change him. The man you’ve known for years has become who he is now, and is facing demons that you may never understand. You can’t put the pressure on yourself to understand either.

      I think a huge part of your pain (understandably so) is that he’s finding some kind of comfort with this other woman. If there is nothing in the world that can drive another person more crazy, it’s seeing someone you wanted to make happy, happy with someone else. This woman is joining him in his own misery and unfortunate life circumstance. The part of your life (the happiness and years of memories) are the parts where you two were meant to be intertwined with each other. I know these are painful words, but you want to know what you can do now and feel comforted. As someone who believes in God, I will advise you to pray. Prayer gives us strength and when you know someone is listening, it has the ability to comfort too. As someone who has been through a tremendous amount of pain in my past, I living proof that BETTER things are COMING. Your story is not over here. And while it’s hard to understand now, one day, when you’re in that perfect relationship for your, it will all make sense.

      Sending you a ton of love and light- you’re gonna be okay ❤️

      -Aurora

  37. Patience is harder for me in some cases like wanting for it the kink of live I have been wanting all my life it has been a life time for me I also pray write thing down like my guilt time
    My life tells me this loves one loves me but not to be in three life I’m ready for change and I have waged long to much long l I love him never leave his side again I have learned a lot in life this one hunts the worst I need my answer easy as that then I know what I have to do but pain is not my answer I love this person until my last breath. With or without him

  38. I have a situation here i really couldn’t understand , from about a year i went for classes to study English , i met a teacher he seemed to be nice and he set a conversation with me , the first moment i saw him and i was not able to walk i felt i knew him from a real long time may be i liked him, the first words he told me are his point of view about who i am he said that am empty and don’t like people and mysterious , when the classes began he made other students who were with me to ask me for tasks and they would pay them for me actually i did one task and refused the rest as after i did it the students began to call names upon me and called me as a curse , i was hurted alot and i missed the classes after then cause i felt he caused this for me , i saw him speaking to a girl about me then she began to treat me aggressively , now a year gone and during this year he was walking after me in the streets ” i don’t know how he knows where i will be” then he travelled now to another country some times he speak to me with anonymous way by suggested posts and strange good evening message post i feel its him who doing this and his still like to call names at me and make me feels disabled to do or be anything good in my life
    Note:” his married and has a kid” “am in my worest period of life now and i couldn’t stand any messes with me”

  39. I have been dating a guy for 3yrs and now he is telling me what he is feels for me now is lust and that he is dating and can’t marry me. The sad part is that he always want to have sex with me and he knows I love him so much that I can’t resist him. I really want to stop loving him but I can’t. Anytime I see him using the lady’s picture on his profile I get soo jealous and very down. I’m soo confused and don’t know what to do. please help me out.

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